Life is not always fair …..especially to those who carry invisible scars that remain unspoken. We tell ourselves that it will be OK because no one knows… but we do… and it does matter. It affects everything we think and feel … sometimes with only a minor effect but other times ... usually at the most inopportune times ... it has a profound effect on where we are or what we feel. It could be a smell, an accidental or even deliberate touch, a place or merely a stranger walking past. It could be a sound or a sad movie. But the invisible pain rears its ugly head during our normal day to day life. We berate ourselves for being weak and not being able to “get on with it”. We all need a support system but reaching out terrifies us … well it does me. I do not usually speak out publically about my fears but Nic has asked me to put a few thoughts together hopefully that may assist others who may, or even may not, have an invisible scar or silent pain.
It is difficult when you are raised not knowing what protection really means. It is worse when you get older and actually know the meaning of protection but believe no one will ever really protect you because it seems to be the norm … or perceived to be the norm…. that it is up to you to protect yourself because it is not expected of others to protect you. Wow that’s a lot of words!
I actively and vehemently protect those around me I believe need protection. I make no apology for that and my children have never known a day where I would not protect them. They have come to me as children, and now adults, knowing I have and always will be there… to be a shoulder to cry on or physically protect them. They also know that if they are wrong in their actions I would still protect them but they must answer to me with an explanation regarding the issue.
Having bullies in your life is just as debilitating because you crave their acceptance. The trouble is, you finally reach a level where acceptance is in sight and they raise the bar! And so it goes on. The bullying may be mental, physical, isolation or a combination of the lot! It can be in all parts of our life… family, friends, acquaintances, job.
The point is, we have these invisible scars that only we know about. I am terrified to let too many people into my circle. I have been hurt many times but I doubt few people know how deeply. I choose to keep my own secrets. I am asked to speak to a therapist or the like, but you know what, I tend to say the same thing over and over explaining my pain but I do not follow the advice. Maybe speaking out loud for someone to hear is therapy in itself. But I am even wary of a therapist who may know one of my “less than accepting associates”.
I am terrified to change my situation because I tell myself I will control it. I have to control it, protect myself. I will learn to live with myself and find a way to accept myself for what I am. But I don’t accept myself. I constantly berate myself for not being able to accept what is!
To all those who keep their secrets enclosed in their heart and soul, we must accept who we are. We are decent and beautiful people and we are not alone. We are all too scared to speak out and we don’t have to…..but we need each other to lean on. I am as terrified as anyone for even putting these words on paper.
Thank you Nic for helping me write this article. It has helped give me some clarity and hopefully has helped others who have invisible scares and pain.